A few months back, I saw this horrid report on NBC news. I sent out some emails, trying to get clarification, and recently received a reply from Ms. Madeleine Pickens.
Madeleine, taming a wild and dangerous beast...
It seems this yellowed underarm gang of thugs we call ‘Our Government’ has concluded we’re being overridden by yet another dangerous force - another 'crisis' in the making: Worse than Y2K (remember that planet ending threat?). Worse even than the combined threat of "Swine Flu" and Global Warming, cow farts and cave-dwelling Al Qaeda Jihadists. Possibly even worse than our 'Health Care Crisis.'
In fact, those ominous threats pale in comparison to this one: A force not only dangerous, but one already perched on our sovereign soil. Even worse, this particular threat is costing ‘us’ - perk your ears up - money!
And so, you might ask, what (or who) is our latest govern"mentally" decreed threat to civilization?
Well, in this case, our newly announced demon is horses. Worse, WILD horses.
Oh sure, they may LOOK placid...
This is the stuff straight out of childhood nightmares, the ever dreaded MUSTANG (shudder). I know, I know... it sounds benign. But just visualize a mass of untamed horses running unchecked on that old purple sage, kicking up unsightly dust and munching on our grass... probably dribbling horse saliva just EVERWHERE.
Absolutely intolerable; environ"mentally," aesthetically and fiscally. How can we keep attracting all that Chinese Yuan with such commotion going on? How can we lay concrete and build 'bridges to nowhere' with all those galloping hooves, that utter disrespect for 'progress'?
But wait, it gets even worse.
These wild horses have been observed mating - and even birthing colts - in full public view (not that there’s much public out there) and generally flaunting the laws of society.
They have even been observed, God forbid, peeing and pooping in the open, in flagrant disregard of our EPA regs - and, I might add, the mores of our most revered religions.
In short, these horses are engaged in all sorts of nefarious and subversive activity. And at last report, they appear totally unrepentant and unwilling to modify their behavior. They are, according to the BLM, beyond rehabilitation and a 'threat' to our very way of existence.
Thus our government’s latest call to arms: Kill the *#^* Mustangs!
And by golly, I couldn’t be more proud. I mean, don’t you just have to admire such dedication to principle and the higher good?
Our Government’s courageous stand for preservation of the higher plains is admirable. Not to mention their unflinching guardianship of morality and the American Way of Life. It is so truly humbling my tears overflow. Particularly when it’s SOOOOO much more lucrative to lease these lands to cattle barons and oil thieves.
But cynicism aside, it’s comforting that Uncle Sam would wrest time from his frenetic schedule to protect (ever so quietly) poor slobs like myself from those heathen beasts… probably fornicating even as we speak, out there in the wilds of Montana. Or Wyoming. Or even, God forbid, that bastion of displaced Californians, Colorado.
But much as I admire our revered and ever so compassionate government, I disagree with their solution. I’d prefer these demons not be shot, but imprisoned. For life, if need be, to afford them opportunity to reflect on their evil ways.
Don’t get me wrong, I would not coddle these equestrian beasts. Oh no... I would impose a strict regimen: No television, no weight lifting and very little meat. But should any of these high plains drifters find work (on, say, a ranch or a farm or just giving a child some joy) all bets are off… they could then watch as much TV as they wished (within limits, of course).
The trouble is, our (increasingly less) benign dictatorship has already established such a prison. Some 30,000 horses, having been rudely uprooted from their native habitat, are now imprisoned there. And now, having already captured these four-legged terrorists, our BLM officials are chafing at the $24 million per year of ‘taxpayer’ money it’s costing.
And we all know our 'officials' have the greatest respect for us taxpayers...
But it's interesting, isn’t it, how it’s ‘taxpayer’s' money when Our Government is trying to dump a program, but it’s ‘National Treasure’ or ‘Reserves’ or ‘Prior Appropriation’ when it’s something they WANT to do. [It couldn’t be a ploy, could it… just a spin on words to get us on side?]
Anyway, I guess spending all this "money" (HA!) is supposed to piss us off… piss us of enough to let these sweaty clowns kill our mustangs.
(Okay, I don't know that they're actually sweaty... but most of them sure look like BO sufferers)
Lest you think I'm picking on Democrats, I should add that this horse murdering scheme began under the regime of our esteemed leader (and self-proclaimed rancher & horseman & jet pilot & Christian & guitarist, George W. Bush). But when asked about it...
... he just feigned innocence (gosh, he DOES look like a rancher, doesn't he?)
Well, I’m just pissed that these idiots (BLM officials) corralled our horses in the first place. Plus, I’m absolutely baffled as to how 30,000 horses, out in the open range (okay, fenced range), could cost $24 million to keep (not that it's much money in the big scheme of things).
Only Our Government could figure a way to dump that much money into a ‘no added value’ undertaking. The land costs nothing, and there’s no housing, no training, no tackle and no keepers involved. Don't even have to haul in water. No damn nothing...
Water seems to just magically appear... maybe from melted Polar Icecaps? I haven't a clue, but I imagine God had a hand in this ... and I'm sure we'll hear all about it.
Freaking A**holes! [And, my American friends, you want these clowns to run your 'health care?' Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. And it ain't pretty. But that's a topic for another time.]
And so, finally, to the point of all this:
Madeleine Pickens, of Dallas, Texas, has offered to unburden Our Government - excuse me, 'us taxpayers' - by taking possession of the horses and moving them to land that she and her husband - Mr. T. Boone Pickens - are in process of acquiring.
Well, I say, God bless them both! If they follow through, I'll go out and hoof a string to Dallas. Or wherever. Or at least get 'em to the truck.
And to anyone patient enough to have waded through my somewhat amateurish emotion, I say ‘pitch in.’ Sure, the Pickens are rich - unimaginably rich compared to me - but this is still a tough undertaking… not only monetarily but also in terms of time and effort and communication.
Madeleine is trying to establish a foundation… and I say, let’s help her found it! And, hey, if you’ve got room to adopt a needy horse drop me a line. I’ll do my best to get the news to the right ears.
I may not have much use for sweaty government 'officials,' but I dig horses and dogs and such... or maybe you already figured that one out?
Viv A/k/a Nellie Wilson